The Millenial Haggadah

Each year I draft satirical prose for chaggim.  This Millenial Haggadah was published for Pesach 5778 (2018)

INTRODUCTION

Welcome to our off the hook Passover Seder!  Nobody in this household is ever hungry, but come and eat anyway.  We set two extra places at our Seder, one symbolic for Eliyahu and the other for your emotional dependency pet.

We began as slaves in the land of Egypt but today we are slaves in Perth.  Although today we do have solar power to keep us cool, three dishwashers, and we recline in the luxury of freedom in our Yokine home, this slavery thing is still a shlepp that we must feel and experience.

KIDDUSH BLESSING OVER THE WINE

The number of eco-kosher vegans has risen by 8.442% in the past year, with 32 percent of them aged between 15 and 23.  So don’t you dare say you don’t have any organic wine or else I’m going to have a full-on stress breakdown right next to the herbal tea box.

KARPAS

Dipping of the Weed into salt water representing the emotional repression and bitterness of being a Millennial.  You are free to take some time out and spend a few minutes in your safe space.

THE FOUR QUESTIONS

Hey Google, is there an Ed Sheeran concert on tonight?

Hey Google, why do Millennials have to eat Matzah?

Hey Google, can you please find someone to dip my vegetables in Salt Water for me? I’m too lazy to do it myself.

Hey Google, what does Misubim mean?

THE FOUR CHILDREN

The Torah instructs us to teach our children the story of Passover. The sages tell us there are four types of children:

• The Snowflake — He understands what’s going on but takes offence at everything and is too sensitive and vulnerable to do any real work, so he just has to study.
• The BAE — He is the totally sick one you love Before Anyone Else.  He understands what’s going on and only goes only along with it because he just doesn’t have the energy to do anything else, whatever and stuff.
• The I Can’t Even Child — He hasn’t a clue what’s going on but stupidly trusts that his parents will figure it out for him.
• The Troll — This kid is Sus, which means he is acting suspicious, and you want to say as much, but then you remember how millennials feel about vowels, and suspicious has like five vowels or something, so you just say “sus” and he can fill in the blanks.

IT ONCE HAPPENED

There were four millennials up all night on snapchat.  They lost track of time until a BFF remined them it was time for the morning Shema.  To which they responded “GTG and get some ZZZ”, and then they slept until plaga Mincha.

THE PASSOVER STORY

Now it is time to retell the story of Passover: A Pharaoh came to power in Egypt who feared the Jews because they own the internet.  FOMO.  He didn’t believe the Jews were loyal to Egypt tweeting “Pics or it didn’t happen”.  Pharaoh enslaved the Jews and forced them to make pyramids for nothing. Because Duh!

Pharaoh then issued a Whatsapp message to die for, mandating every Jewish male newborn was a security risk and must be drowned in the Nile, Pharaoh’s way of keeping the bad dudes out of Egypt while he sipped tea.

However the Jewish mothers would not be defeated, and continued to Netflix and chill.  One Jewish mother resisted by placing her baby in a tiny boat made of hemp and set him afloat in the Nile, hoping he’d be saved. An undercover CIA operative posing as Pharaoh’s daughter found the baby, named him Moses, and raised him as her own.

Moses started #letmypeoplego to spread hope, but failed to get Pharaoh to pivot on the Jewish labour issue, so he asked if the Jews could FOH. That’s when G-d had to step in and caused ten terrible plagues upon Egypt. They were:

• No Gender Neutral Bathrooms
• Distorted Selfies
• Fakenews
• Promotion of Baby Boomers to management
• Surge pricing on Uber
• Removal of Amazon shipping tracker
• Broken phone chargers
• Shortage of Avacado’s
• No discounted gym memberships
• Cutting off the Wifi

Egyptians suffered greatly during these plagues. Eventually Pharaoh agreed to let the Jews go. The Jews fled quickly into the desert without allowing their dough to rise and were stuck with a dry, tasteless, constipation-invoking bread substitute instead.  G-d provided uber-eats Manna and Miriam set up a pop-up brewery.

DAYENU

• It would have been enough pass the assessment at school, but it’s the teachers fault I didn’t get a better grade, Dayenu
• It would have been enough for me to do whatever I feel like, but like, I’m still offended anyway, Dayenu
• It would have been enough for Facebook to change their algorithm but they had to tell the whole world about my birthday at the same time, so annoying, but I secretly liked it, Dayenu
• It would have been enough for me to be entitled to anything I want, but millennials get blamed for everything, so I’m allowed to be cynical too, Dayenu.
• It would have been enough if my snapchat filter was working properly, but at least I still have Instagram, Dayenu.

EXPLANATION OF PASSOVER SYMBOLS

SHANK BONE

The shank bone represents the sacrificial lamb Jews slaughtered the night they left Egypt. This Passover we also recall the resurgence of neo-Dadaism.  Take an art class and get depressed.

BITTER HERBS

These herbs remind us of the unfathomable bitterness of the white working class whose jobs are being taken by robots.  We must strengthen our activism by finding alternatives to coal, no tariffs on steel, and bringing back VCR conversion kits.

MATZA

Why do we eat Matzah on Pesach?  Because we are fat.

BOILED EGG and SALTWATER

This egg is a symbol of rebirth and new opportunities for revenge on those who have betrayed us, hence the tears.  Millennials have been priced out of the property market by the baby boomers. Some Millennials want to buy a house right now, but their parents are just too greedy.  Some parents are even still using both of their kidneys.

AFIKOMAN

This year Seder night and the April Fool’s day are on the same date.  Good opportunity for a lame Dad joke.  Just sayin…

WELCOMING ELIJAH

Pour out thy wrath upon the baby boomers who deny me my kingdom.

We set aside a special cup of wine for the prophet Elijah. Unfortunately, we are unable to open our door to welcome Elijah as we might risk getting a cold from the air chill.  However we need to reflect carefully on the message of the heralding of Elijah.  Are we emotionally ready for Moshiach?  In the days of redemption it will be just like living in a millennial edition of Monopoly where you just walk round the board staying over at your parent’s house and with friends, never needing to buy anything, and getting free parking.

NIRTZAH

As we conclude our Seder we don’t have time to sing all the songs so we are going to settle for just three;

• Adele – Hello From the Other Side
• Taylor Swift – Look what you made me do; and
• An acapella rendition of the Maccabeats Justin Beiber Passover Mashup.

This year we are here; next year at an eco-Pesach retreat!  But not in Melbourne, because Melbourne sucks!