Each year I compose a satirical message for Pesach. Following last year’s Carona Virus Haggadah, I present the Anti Vaxxers Haggadah for Seder 5781.
Kadesh
Time for the first of four cups of organic, sulphur free, manure based, biodynamic, unfiltered, sustainably produced, vegan, zero herbicide, non-synthetic, astrologically-informed, phenolic, naturally fermented, preservative immune, vineyard-tolerant wine. Take care not to spill any on your new hemp shirt.
Urchatz
The Baal Haseder declares their self-identifying gender assignment of choice and washes their hands.
Karpas
Horseradish is a root vegetable known for its pungent taste and odour. It has been used worldwide for thousands of years, typically as a condiment but also for medicinal purposes. This root contains multiple compounds that may provide health benefits, including antibacterial effects. The karpas represents the bitterness of illness and the hope offered by natural remedies and munchie frenzies.
Maggid
All who are hungry, let them come eat. There are no quarantine restrictions or social distancing protocols here.
Why is this night different from all other nights? On all other nights we are self-centred people who manage our own health, but tonight we stand against the infringement of human rights by proudly refusing to take our medicine.
There were four sons. The wise one refused the jab. The wicked one sabotaged the supply chain of Johnson and Johnson. The simple one believed it when he was told that vaccines have had a staggering impact on reducing the burden of infectious cases worldwide. The one who didn’t know how to ask was only an anti-vaxxer by default.
We cried out to Hashem who saw our burden and our affliction. Rabbi Eliezer said the virus inflicted on the Egyptians started as equal to four. Therefore, we conclude that Egypt were struck by 40 cases, and now it is 200.
There were ten plagues: Scientific experiments, imageboard dissidence, skin irritations, white privilege, facebook media content contracts, bovine serum albumin, banning charedi weddings, Trump supporters, global population control, immunisation of the first born.
Rabbi Yehuda coined the acronym No”Jab”4me
Had we only not needed to deny the existence or validity of the science, Dayenu
If GP clinics were only in it for money and profit, Dayenu
If only Karen could speak to the manager, Dayenu
If we could now only choose to fly El Al, Dayenu
If only the fake news was actually fake, Dayenu
If only Pfizer would blend Viagra into all their products, Dayenu
If only Dr Suess wasn’t cancelled, Dayenu
If only we were not subject to a diabolical plot by the “deep state” to enslave humanity, Dayenu
Moitze Matzah:
A quick Dvar Torah – what do we believe in? Science or G-d? Well, since anti-vaxxers reject science, it must mean that they believe in G-d. Because clearly the two are incompatible. But what if they are confused and can’t accept either, sending their OCD into overdrive? For ours is the first generation that can choose to disregard science and religion both at the same time. Not to fear, Jaxtynn and Carryn will continue muddying up the gene pool, just like their parents.
Maror
No need to have a vaccine. I have an immune system that is sustained completely by the consumption of fresh herbs. I also write down my every thought and constantly log my location so that I don’t need to be microchipped.
Korech
During temple times Rabbi Hillel would take some matzah and combine it with anything that resembled bricks and mortar, including actual mortar. We maintain this custom to represent the unity of the anti-vaxxer community. Prior to consuming this sandwich we dip it twice into a mixture of AstraZeneca Novavax and Moderna, then completely shake it off to ensure that the bitterness of not being cured will remain.
Shulchan Aruch
The recipe for your Bubba’s imitation chicken soup will definitely go viral. No, laxatives are a form of medication and we don’t dispense them on principle. Sorry.
Tzafon
After your kids find the Afikomen, negotiate the trade of the found piece of matzah with the exchange of red jelly sweets. This phenomenon is known as “red-pilling” – a reference to a scene in The Matrix where Keanu Reeves’ character chooses to take a red pill and discover the hidden truths of the world and it affects those whose once-rational scepticism swallows them whole, pulling them into a networked community of like-minded conspiracy theorists.
Barech
Open the door for Elijah and read together; “Pour out your wrath upon nations that suddenly realised that Covid19 was orchestrated in order to facilitate and enable the Jews to enact government crackdowns on democratic rights and freedoms, lock-down whole populations, cause economic chaos, and thereby control the world. Scorn those who learned about our secret agenda to cause Government policies under Covid19 to destroy white ethno-nationalists, to crash the old monetary system and return the cabal of economic power to the Rothschilds.
Hallel
Sing songs of praise that you have the right to send your unvaccinated child to school, though pondering the logic that they are not allowed nuts in their lunchbox. What else are we going to eat on Pesach?
Nirtzah
That concludes the Seder.
Who knows 14? I know 14! 14 are the days of self isolation
Who knows 13? I know 13! 13 are the months since Covid struck
Who knows 12? I know 12! 12 are the months before Johnson and Johnson developed a latex free Viral vector
Who knows 11? I know 11! 11 is the IQ of the average anti-vaxxer
Who knows 10? I know 10! 10 are the big conspiracists
Who knows 9? I know 9! 9 are the months of pregnancy to bring a baby into the world to put at risk of disease
Who knows 8? I know 8! 8 are the wheels on the protest bus
Who knows 7? I know 7! 7 are the number of anti-vax tattoos that can fit on one arm
Who knows 6? I know 6! Actually, not really, I don’t know number 6, but I’m not going to admit that I may not know something
Who knows 5? I know 5! 5 are the number of parliamentary seats the Anti-Vaxxer Party needs to get public funding
Who knows 4? I know 4! 4 are the members of the Royal family that will not speak to each other
Who knows 3? I know 3! 3 are the vaccines that have been approved by the TGA in Australia
Who knows 2? I know 2! 2 are the number of injections of Pfizer
Who knows 1? I know 1! 1 is the number of lives I have, and if I choose to idiotically endanger myself and everybody within proximity of me, then that remains my immoral human right.
Next Year in Jerusalem. To be more precise, probably at Hadassah or Sharei Tzedek
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