In a late candidacy bid, I am standing for the seat of Morley in the upcoming State Election, under the banner of the Purim Party*.
My Manifesto is as follows:
Stadium – Forget Burswood and forget Kitchener Park. The Purim Party will build a 120,000 capacity international state of the art stadium at the Maccabi Oval. The new stadium will have an MOU with Carmel School and the facilities will not be available when required by the school, which essentially will be during school time, after school, evenings, weekends, school holidays and most Jewish holidays.
Waterfront Development – the new development on the foreshore will no longer be required. The Purim party will construct a moat around each electorate in the Perth Metropolitan area. On the foreshore of each electorate will be a Quay named after a Monarch of Colin Barnett’s choosing, with a well designed traffic bottleneck. Recreational fishing will be improved through a new licensing regime applicable to each electorates moat.
Foreign Affairs – My rival candidates Bob Kucera and Michael Sutherland are both staunchly pro-Israel and have good relations with the local Jewish community. In order to differentiate myself from these candidates I have decided to support ending the Zionist Project and will relocate the Jewish State to the northern Kimberley. I will be inviting Geert Wilders to be President of the new entity.
Transport – we will construct a new public transport that includes ferry links between each electorate (refer Waterfront Development policy), and a Monetarily Intensive Network (MIN) to run light rail from Chabad Noranda to the PHC. There is no budget for a stop at Dianella Shule.
Security – Through a policy of succession and espionage, Western Australian Passports will be tagged and tracked with a GPS, making the contracted agency (CSG) the world’s best resourced intelligence unit for the worlds newest tax haven.
Education – we will provide every student in the State with a free ipad, and a year later we will inform the unsuspecting parents that they have to buy one themselves.
Finance – We will send a hitsquad to Canberra and arrange a heist on the Reserve Bank to steal back the billions of dollars of GST revenue that they had no right to siphon out of the State. An undisclosed portion will be remitted to the UIA for tax deductability.
Cost of Living – we will encourage all Western Australians to eat kosher for a week. After that experience they will never complain about the cost of living again.
Vote for the Purim Party. We will be selecting our candidates for each electorate this Sunday by hosting a public skipping competition along Woodrow Ave. It may be the only sobering thought this Purim, but our Party has policies that are as credibly constructed and costed as you would care to find anywhere. I look forward to your support.
*for the uninitiated, this is satire for the festival of Purim, notwithstanding that so many readers of this blog always take me very seriously.