Disclaimer
Each year I attempt to script a satirical Haggadah that pushes (or as some would contend, crosses) boundaries, as an expression of our contemporary social faux-pas. Just in case it is not recognised, and as a pre-warning, this is satire! It does not reflect my actual views, especially regarding transgender identity.
Previous versions of annual satirical Haggadot are on these links:
The AntiVaxxers Haggadah – 2021
The Woke Haggadah 2024
Preparation
Burn your chametz with the Israel flag.
Now arrange your Seder Plate:
- It is a longstanding custom to place an orange on the seder plate to symbolise non-heterosexual orientations, but this year we take the concept a step further by carefully choosing an orange metaphor by variety. Here are some suggested options; naval orange (gay marine cadet), acid-less orange (gothic butch lesbian), Seville orange (pride parade convenor), clementine orange (bisexual), Homosassa Orange (flaunts its sexuality), Kumquat (kind of kinky), blood orange (I’m going to stop here before I get clobbered by my bitchy friend with PMT who doesn’t find this very funny and is not afraid to say so).
- Olive with branch attached – represents solidarity with ethnic minorities
- Fair trade Coffee Beans – to acknowledge the peril of modern slavery
- Coconut – for those still locked inside their shell and who can’t escape
- Kiwifruit – representing cultural appropriation
Heck, let’s just dispense with the Seder plate altogether and replace it entirely with a fruit salad that represents the diversity of flavours and textures that work together for Diversity Equality and Inclusion that symbolises the shared morality of the Egyptian Oppressors and their Hebrew Oppressees.
Kadesh
There is a machloket whether we should sit or stand for kiddish. At the woke seder we compromise by taking a knee.
Urchatz
This misogynist “tikkun-olam washing” is a ritual used to defend practices in Judaism that provide the appearance of social consciousness, justice and activism without any of the substance. We are simply virtue signalling by practicing a purification process that masks over our culpability of pretending to be oppressed while perpetrating crimes against humanity.
Karpas
We dip the herbs in salt water to remind ourselves of the sour flavour of hatred and bigotry, which is only ever practiced by our Jewish siblings in the course of advancing the racist and colonising aspirations of Zionism. Before eating the Karpas say the bracha and then chant the slogan “Where’s the Jews?”
Yachatz
Break the middle matza, known as poor mans bread. Wrap one piece in a tosh to signify the excessive wealth of the white privileged and hide the other away, like the brokenness of society fuelled by individual prejudices and inequity.
Maggid
When they arrived in Egypt the Hebrews were all related, which was deeply problematic, but it does help to justify their racial profiling. They were oppressed and marginalised, but at the same time nobody was concerned about this due to intersectionality and the first recorded instance of critical race theory. The whole situation was multivariate and complicated.
- The wise son – invests in ESG portfolios and renewable energy and promotes social causes through multinational corporate sponsorship and woke capitalism.
- Wicked son – dared to express an opinion and question the value of protesting. He must be cancelled.
- Simple son – is a victim of class fragility and displays emotionally fragile microaggression.
- Son who does not know how to ask. – you must tell him that he is no different to any of the other children. He is still a white oppressive polluting unearned privilege child who needs to be told what to think.
In every generation they arise to destroy us. We don’t dispute this, but all the same we should not attempt to vanquish them because that would also make us oppressors. We should share our feelings and try and reach common ground. If we reach out with peace and love and tell them that they don’t really mean to destroy us, even though they say they do, then maybe they will believe us and be nice and not destroy us anyway. Or we could compromise and permit them to only partially eradicate us from the face of the earth.
Come and learn how G-d engaged in cancel culture of the Egyptians.
This year we are bondsmen in the land of Egypt. Next year may we be free people in the land of Palestine.
G-d saw the oppression of the fascist bully-boy Pharoah and she invoked a campaign of social justice in the form of the trigger warning of 10 plagues: Progressive conscience, police vigilance, flexitarianism, mansplaining, gaslighting, internalised misogyny, social awareness, fast fashion, Jewish self-determination, Trump.
As a Jew, Rabbi Yehuda coined the acronyms OOF, GOMB, YEET.
How many good things has G-d done for us?
- He allowed us to see the vapour from our vapes, if we could only go robo-tripping, Dayneu
- If we could only go robo-tripping, keeping parents clueless, Dayenu
- Keeping parents clueless, if only I could understand texting, Dayenu
- If only I could understand texting, then work out the meaning of emoji’s, Dayenu
- Then work out about emojis👏, onto nailing social media, Dayenu
Now we sing a few songs of praise and protest. Hallelujah, hell no we ain’t allright.
Maror
The maror signifies the weaponisation of resentment. The bitterness of the culture war that brings hurt, anger and hostility to your first bite of the evening.
Koreach
This year we are commemorating 262 years since the eponymous Earl invented the sandwich in 1762. The British Sandwich Association has launched an international campaign to promote sandwich awareness (no joke). Although the sage Hillel invented the sandwich some 1,750 years before the Earl, it is nonetheless cultural appropriation. Koreach means “wrap” and Hillel bound the korban Pesach in a laffa matza, with a bit of salad. Just like modern times where we acknowledge that the Arabs were making shwarmas long before the stall holders at the tachana mirkazit. Take the bitter herb, haroset and matzah, and meditate, then eat with mindfulness.
Shulchan Oreach
Enjoy a vegan feast of hard boiled potato, Kale and beetroot soup, quinoa salad with imitation anchovies, no-glaze carrot tzimmes, accompanied by watermelon for desert.
Find the afikomen, and distribute it with a Pharoah rocher.
Barech
Blessings are said, then Elijah’s (he/she/they/them/up/down/all-around/here/there/everywhere) cup is lifted full of net zero organic grape juice while we read:
Pour thy wrath upon the nation of Israel, for she can do no right. Thy name Jacob has been vanquished through his own habituation, rage be upon him, fury overtaketh him.
Some place an empty cup alongside to represent the spiritual emptiness of Jewish institutions that adhere to the norms of traditional patriarchal Judaism and then attempt to exclude those who fill their cups with the sweetness of social justice.
Nirtzah
Who knows One? I know one! One is myself, because it is all about me and I am at one with myself. And 13 are the tattoos on my buttocks, and 12 are the horoscopes that I wrote, and 11 are crystals on my chain, and 10 are the big evil corporations. 9 are the months since the abortion and 8 are the number of student protests that I organised and 7 are the stripes on the pride flag. 6 are the safe spaces that I visit, and 5 are the piercings on my nose, and 4 are the pronouns that I have, and 3 are the number of indigenous cultures with which I identify, and 2 are the number of gender neutral bathrooms in my house, and 1 is putting my own virtues before all because it is really all about me.
Chad Gadya
Then came the holy one, Hakadosh Barchu Hu, who empowered the IDF, who slaughtered Hamas the angel of death, who exposed the UNRWA, who embarrassed the UN, that drank the foreign aid. Then came the ICJ that took the bait, that South Africa bought, that Iran procured, that the USA funded for five billion zuzim. Chad Gadya, Chad Gadya!
